


to, the one who broke me.

by reinwrites



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anixety Attack, Closure, M/M, Mentions of Guilt Tripping, Panic Attacks, Please read at your own risk ♡, Things Get Better :), Trigger words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28523328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinwrites/pseuds/reinwrites
Summary: everyone always said, never change yourself for anyone but nobody said that other people can make you change. jeno didn’t need someone to tell him that he was a completely different person four months ago - he already knew it.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Mark Lee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	to, the one who broke me.

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to those who are silenced and afraid ♡  
>  you are so strong and one day, you will find the courage to use your voice.  
>  you're not alone.
> 
> there will be a more detailed note at the end about the inspiration of this fic ♡
> 
> please, stay safe while reading and click off at anytime you need to.

everyone always said, _never change yourself for anyone_ but nobody said that other people can make you change. jeno didn’t need someone to tell him that he was a completely different person four months ago - he already knew it. deep in his bones laid the fragments of his younger and naive self, crushed and smashed to pieces. small puzzle pieces of himself so unrecognizable, the picture of his former self could never be fully glued back together. it hurt to remember how once certain things made you feel on top of the world but now make you feel the sickening poison run through your chest. jeno knew the tightness of his airways closing far too well now, the panic of saying the wrong thing or overthinking a little too much. he hated that now, this was his reality. a reality of shutting up and pretending as if nothing happened. 

this year was his, the year that could make the wildest dreams of his come true. the last year of thirteen years of schooling, the year he got freedom on the road, and lastly, a year to make memories that he would never forget. a clean slate to start over and follow through with his new year’s resolutions - to especially, continue to treat everyone with love and kindness no matter what. the new year brought new people and new friendships. jeno had never felt so lucky to know people like them but one boy, in particular, stood out to him, mark lee. a few years older, talented musician and loved by everyone - he immediately became closer with jeno. 

it felt easy to always speak to him as if they had known each other for years. everything seemed to seem easy when it came to him. shared friend groups, late nights talking until the daylight, and the feeling of being understood for once in his life. he had found his other half and everything seemed to make sense. although all those good memories that they once shared in their friendship never lingered in jeno’s memories. the high regarded impression of mark was now replaced with fear but jeno would never say anything - he was far too scared of saying the wrong thing. 

jeno had no idea when everything between him and mark changed, it just did, and as it got worse, so did jeno. 

the phone was slammed down onto the white duvet as hesitant hands flew to his hair in panic. tugging and pulling could only do so little to erase the memories of failure. the failure of his misunderstandings and lack of knowledge. nights were like this now, full of confrontations and accusations that left him numb from the rapid descent of his tears. he never felt like himself, if anything he felt like a hollow shell of his once former self. although, it never used to be like _this._ jeno had once considered them friends, close friends and it was one of the most genuine relationships he could’ve had with someone. 

“i was so proud of you.” he gritted his teeth, seeing his name light up the screen with a notification. the more the letters twisted his insides, the quicker his eyes welled. he continued staring, lingering at the name as his gut instinct tried to force him away, this tugging feeling that whatever this was - was bad but jeno? he didn’t want to let another person feel so alone and not loved, so he continued to reply. jeno never knew when to stop. he was young. he was naive and he thought that everyone deserved some good in their life no matter who they were. if only he knew that earlier when it mattered the most. 

little by little, he watched as the anxiety crept up through his veins. shooting their poison down the once sparks of joy that enlightened him to his favourite things and people. the people he thought he could trust never saw anything wrong, his facade must've been working too well. no one needed to know how weak and unable he was to fight his own battles. hell, it wasn’t even a battle but more like a confirmation to himself. no one needed to know how he couldn’t figure things out himself, it was his secret only. 

mark’s name became a trigger, a buzz word for that panic and fear that he had grown too familiar with. the simple name in the attendance, business names, or people who spoke about others - it made jeno scared. to him, it was stupid that the fact that one person’s name could make him that scared to do simple tasks. he was trying to hard to fight for something that didn’t exist anymore. something that ended up as his fault, it was always that. 

vividly, those long days at school turned longer as he stared at his phone. hours just waiting, wondering if he was really worth having the patience for the reply. he found that every now and then, instead of enjoying the last of his school years - he worried about him. unsure, if they were okay or if he were just simply ignoring them like he always did. jeno had gotten so used to being ignored, it was a normal thing now. slowly, he started to convince himself that their friendship wasn’t as important as he once believed. there was no reason to keep trying if he was going to be the only one wanting something out of this. the notification dinged from his phone, mark had replied and jeno was once again sure, that everything was okay again. 

jeno still didn’t get the hint when his friends started to message him more frequently. _“jen, i don’t think you should talk to them anymore.”_ chenle had said through their group chat followed up with, _“i know you care about him but can’t you see what’s happening to you?”_ jeno didn’t listen, instead he turned them away and continued to reply. chenle and he hadn’t spoken in six months. jeno, to this day, still believed it was his fault that he ruined their friendship. 

_one month passed, five months passed until the seventh month came_ and jeno had still continued to sit in silence and endure the panic he was starting to grow accustomed to. the quiet eating him from the inside and tormenting his mind every second with the memories. seven was supposed to be a lucky number but it was the number where everything had come crashing down. he had tried to reach out to people, he had tried to tell them but he always got too scared to admit anything because no matter what he said - it always came back to become knowledge of them. the one time he had gained the courage to ask for help, for some type of advice - he knew no one would believe him, no one would understand how afraid he was. none of his friends would listen. jeno’s deepest fears of them knowing about how he felt always came true, continuously being told that they _knew_ what he had been saying about them. he always thought that mark would say things about him, things that were potentially not true but what was jeno saying? nothing **.** he never spoke badly of them to anyone, he had only begun to speak badly of himself. he was the only one he’d let the slander get to. these rumors, these lies were spiraling out of control. he couldn’t deal with it, it was all getting way too much. it was always his fault he had felt like that and he grew to only know of that. 

it hurt. it really hurt to sit back and watch someone who made you feel like this, be praised by so many. jeno had finally understood why those who had been hurt never spoke up; because it was terrifying to admit how broken you had become by just one person. the world continued to spin, the days continued to become night and jeno was still lingering onto that last hope that things would change but they didn’t. people continued their daily lives while jeno fought with his own trauma behind the facade of a smile. 

jeno remembers clearly the one early morning he had been hurt the most. that’s when he knew that what he was feeling was something that shouldn’t be felt. 

“doesn’t he see i’m trying?” he shouted, tears making their own delicate paths down the side of his cheeks, “i’m trying so fucking hard!” he let go, falling back onto his bed with a soft thud. trying was never enough for them, hell - anything was never good enough for them. jeno was just some _personal problem_ that fucked everything up. he knew as much as the next person that he had made mistakes in their friendship, he knew that and brought it up to apologise as much as possible but still, it was always used against him. jeno didn’t know exactly when the breaking moment came but he always came back to the little things that mark didn’t like about him. 

never even once did jeno blame mark. he constantly blamed himself for every little thing he did. he knew it wasn’t good to assume but at the end of the day, he knew that he was the one causing them to leave everything mark had known and the people he’d met. it was his fault for mark not being happy with him. 

a few more months of hurt passed before he finally listened. 

_“jeno, are you familiar with the term ‘gaslighting’?”_ donghyuck had messaged him when he finally had told him about what was going on. 

_“no... what’s that?”_ jeno had replied, immediately retreating to google to find the meaning. as he read the definition, his mouth had dropped - the pieces were starting to come together, little by little - the end was finally in sight. _“that sounds exactly like what had happened to me…”_ he had learned that it was best to ignore and leave him alone, it was the only way he could save himself from falling far deeper into the spiral of the problems. 

but, as much as he wanted to leave mark alone, he always went back to him. back to the false security, he had grown to trust and respect from their once good friendship. jeno knew that mark knew everything about him and the thought of mark using that against him really scared him. 

time and time again, he found himself wondering if the way he reacted to the falling out between them was too extreme. if he was just being too dramatic and the way he was feeling wasn’t valid enough? mark always asked for a reason why. a reason from jeno as to why this hatred started. he was uncomfortable, he felt ignored, he felt guilt-tripped, he felt like he was always letting him down and he felt like he couldn’t picture himself in this position any further. 

it wasn’t until a few months later when jeno had spiraled into one of the worst panic attacks he could have ever had, the sickening feeling creeping up through his veins and the rapid beat of his heart as his fight or flight mode was triggered. for all of his seventeen years, he could never remember his body shaking so badly out of fear of a confrontation so out of the blue. his friends tried to calm him down in the middle of the shopping centre but nothing could replace that anxiety of mark’s being. jeno had never felt so weak in front of the people he loved, his friends who had continued to help him day by day to feel stronger and eventually move on. that was the plan, to one day move on and forget about what had ended up happening. to remember the story of a friendship that couldn’t last. 

after all this time, jeno had never found the right words to say and explain how he felt until - 3 am on a saturday morning. his computer opened to a blank document, the cursor intimidating him. blinking every few seconds until he could explain what he really thought. 

_“well, this is going to be awkward.”_ he started, taking a deep breath as he continued to write. _“for the past seven months, i’ve been silent and for the last four, i’ve been broken. the damage done from just those months is something i can’t even explain without going into a panic attack or breaking down from crying. to me, personally, i always felt that i reacted childishly to the whole thing - the way i feel, the way i always think about it; just makes me feel so… low? but the more i think about how i reacted, i think i reacted like anyone else who would’ve been in my position - in silence.”_

_“i knew i should’ve stopped talking to you when my gut instinct told me but my heart begged to differ, telling me that i should never leave anyone behind and regard their feelings of loneliness. i don’t get why you never told me that you didn’t feel like talking, i would’ve understood instead of feeling like i had fucked up and you were mad again. i can’t even begin to think of how i kept blaming myself and shrugging it off like nothing had happened? i was really that oblivious.”_

_“it’s been a while, but you really hurt me to the point where i forgot my own self. by far, forgetting who i am was the scariest part. secondly followed by the panic attacks.”_

_“i’m sorry that i was the one who left everything on a sour note but i couldn’t let myself go through the hurt anymore. i’m sorry for letting you down. i’m sorry for not knowing things. i’m sorry that i was confusing. i’m sorry that i was vague.”_

_“so, to the one who broke me. i hope you are glad.”_ jeno sighed, closing his computer and taking a deep breath. one day, they’d understand and one day the world would know but for now, jeno was happy that someone was able to understand who he was and the journey that has changed him, not for the better, but the future. no matter how hard it is, no matter how much trauma comes back - jeno knew he had the courage to keep going on. whether those knew of his past or not, he was grateful for a very specific group of people who encouraged him to keep going. 

jeno felt the smallest of weights fall off of his shoulder. for now, he could smile for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> like jeno, i also went through an experience like this. it is very hard to find the courage to speak up about things that have hurt you. to this day, i'm still very afraid, scared and dealing with the trauma but now, i have very supportive friends by my side who keep encouraging me to continue on. i'm so very thankful for you (you know who you are), thank you for saving my life. thank you for supporting me and reading. i'm glad that i am able to muster up the courage to share this with all of you. i love you all so much ♡ 
> 
> thank you for reading. please feel free to leave your thoughts, kudos or bookmark if you'd like! ♡♡ 
> 
> [ twitter! ](https://twitter.com/reniewrites)  
> 
> 
> [ curious cat! (cc) ](https://curiouscat.me/reniewrites)  
>  also don't be afraid to leave a message in the cc if you'd prefer! :]
> 
> love always, rein ♡


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